Friday, June 17, 2011

S#%@ Happens.

Shit happens.  And I don't mean unexpected setbacks, like a turned ankle or swine flu.  I mean poop.  Number 2.  BMs.  I promised blackmail material, and today I intend to deliver.

Everyone should try running.  Our bodies are good at it; we are engineered for endurance and speed.  The benefits, even for casual joggers, are significant, like stronger heart and lungs and firmer asses.  It is cheap exercise that you can do right outside your door with just a decent pair of tennies.  Also, running a mile can be as personally rewarding as running a marathon.  I'm not sure what all you non-runners are waiting for, a personal invitation?  Here it is: join me in running.  I'd love to hear about all the new adventures, personal insights, and physical improvements you experience.  Listen to your body; mix walking and running til you can run straight through, then go farther.  Also, bring tissue paper.

Because, occasionally, you will need to take a dump.  Running gets the plumbing moving like nothing I know.  You and your intestines might need a little time to get to know each other.  If I can start my morning with a cup of caffeinated tea and 45 minutes of peace and quiet, then I'm almost guaranteed a good bathroom session before I start my run.  Almost guaranteed. 

However, there are times when the body rebels...or dinner doesn't sit right...or a little bug begins to wreak havoc in the tummy.  It can strike anywhere, lightening fast.  So like a good boy scout, be prepared. 

With some practice, I've learned what public restrooms are available on my running routes, even at god-awful-early a.m. hours.  And I'm on intimate terms with a few ditches.  And a little patch of shrubs along Bear Creek.  And a window well at my house when I once forgot my keys.  Gene will never let me forget that one.  He will also be horrified that I've now made the incident public; he has a much healthier sense of modesty than I do.  Sorry, honey.  And my best friend and I fertilized the same tree in the gray light of pre-dawn before our first marathon together.  Now that's bonding.

Your turn.  Are you a runner?  Got any good shit stories?  


  1. I think perhaps men are blessed with a little stronger intestinal fortitude (or perhaps more specifically colonic fortitude) as a result of fewer internal reproductive bits.

    You take your running more seriously than I do, but I've never had any incidents which I would even classify as worrisome while running, swimming, or cycling - my three main types of exercise.

    I do get that the nature of running introduces a little greater downward pressure than these other exercise, and my running has pretty much been limited to 10-15k on the long end. So perhaps if I took the running side of things a little more seriously, I'd have greater difficulty in this regard.

    Also, because of your previous profession, I find myself double guessing my writing style a little more carefully when responding to you. Does that make me vain? Please don't give me an F.

  2. Mightye,

    Oh goodie. I've embarrassed myself terribly. You, however, have terrific grammar and no embarrassing stories regarding bodily functions to share. You're not vain, just a better specimen of human being:-) Luckily, you're family, so maybe my kids will have some of your traits rather than mine on this front. Kiss E and T for us all til we can do it ourselves!

  3. I don't mind identifying myself as the fertilizing friend! It happens, and the port-a-potty lines were way too long. Perhaps, however, I'd have been a little better off if I had brought a little TP along, as suggested. The long-sleeved shirt I was wearing to stay warm only got a little streaky, and it cleaned up well. It got worn again throughout the next 6 months until it finally got donated to charity at the start line of the Boston Marathon. I suppose the eventual recipient of the shirt isn't any the wiser. What they don't know can't hurt them, right?

  4. Dude, I pee and poop outside all the time! And yes, MightyE, you get an F. But not for having bad grammar, but for thinking that this is a gender related topic. Have you forgotten that my husband threw up in your basement after laughing? Laughing!!! haha! Anyway.....I think you are wonderful, Amanda, and I will raise my hand and say that I have fertilized, but not necessarily while running. I have more fortitude that Eric things and I fertilize by choice. ;P

  5. It's not really a matter so much of gender pride as an observation that the physiology is different. The real estate is a little more precious for those who are ovario-hysterially endowed.